Parenting Into The Mirror

My mom recently sent a box to my house filled with old newspaper clippings, some historical family photos, and nostalgic pictures from my childhood. My kids though it was the greatest thing ever to be able to see pictures of their great great grandparents. But the one thing that stood out to them the most was a picture of (if I may say so myself) their very hansom 5 year old dad. They loved seeing what I looked like when I was the same exact age as my son. And what was even more bewildering to them was the stark resemblance that Oak and I share. For him, looking at that picture of me, was like looking into a mirror.

I remember having almost the same exact experience when I was 12 years old and visiting my grandmother on my Dad’s side of the family. We were at her house in Cleveland, OH when she brought out some old pictures of my dad. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I felt like I was looking in a time warp mirror that changed your style of clothing, because it was clearly just a picture of me!

Parenting can be just like that sometimes too. Actually, parenting is probably a lot more like looking into a mirror than we think, or care to admit. I realized that the other day when I heard Arbour say “Maybe, maybe not.” My wife died laughing. Apparently that's my go to response to much of life. If I'm being honest I have to admit, it's pretty adorable to hear 3 year old Arbour say it. I also have to admit that it's undoubtedly my standard response. And a good one in my opinion. I doesn’t rob of hope, but also doesn’t over promise or overcommit. It's a safe open-ended answer... that is until you ask your three year old, if they brushed their teeth, and she responds “Maybe, maybe not” with an adorable little shrug for extra effect. It also isn’t the best response to, do you want to go to timeout, did you flush the potty, or did you take my keys? But, whether it’s charming or exasperating, it’s undeniably me.

I’m sure you’ve seen this. It shows up in the things we say, things we do, lifestyle we live, and beliefs we hold to. The study of child and adolescent development has given us ample evidence that human development occurs through reciprocal coactions between the individual and their contexts and culture, with relationships as the key drivers. In other words, parents shape their children. You might read that and feel instantly overwhelmed, but I want to encourage you to get excited when you read those words.

You have the greatest potential to influence your child to becoming the best, Christ reflective, healthy individual possible.

How? Parent into a mirror.

Just like an old photo of you may look like the spitting image of your child, they might say the same exact things you do, or have the same mannerisms, your child’s belief about who they are and the world we live in will develop through what you teach them. That’s why parenting is hard. We have to face difficult realities about ourselves and address our deficits if we want to see something different in our children. Our kids simply reflect back who and what we are. So parent into a mirror.

If you see harshness, check your level of gentleness. If they’re out of control, evaluate your personal emotional regulation. If they’re consistently or excessively sad, gauge your level of joy. If they’re perpetually dissatisfied, assess your practices of gratitude.

Create a habit of noticing your child’s emotions and behaviors and use them to cue you into things you may need to tend to.

Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

According to Dr. Gary Massy, “Behavior is a message.” So what messages are you receiving from your child? More importantly, what messages is your child receiving from you?

“Your children are living messages that you will send to a time that you will never see.” - Johnny Derouen

So when you look into the mirror that is your child, what do you see? What do you want to see?

You are in control of your reflection, so go look good!

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David is a husband, and father of 3 with one on the way. He is Pastor and sports fanatic.